conundrum

Maybe I am schitzo, or maybe I am a Gemini, or maybe I've been listening to the Cure too much..or maybe the Borderline Personality Disorder I was diagnosed with years ago(bullshit diagnosis, thank you very much.) has finally turned and I am as looney as a jay bird. I dont know but I literally feel a split...a massive divide in myself and my life right now.
In AA they say that you should never let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired because it takes you to dark places...places that make you drink. Though I would not identify myself as being Alcoholic, I do believe that some of the Alcoholic's Anonymous theories work towards keeping me stable....so I keep them around.
Lately, I am too hungry, too angry, too lonely and too tired....i think this is where the great divide is coming from and I think this is why when 6pm rolls around my skin crawls.
In ways, I am happier than I have ever been. Yesterday, I allowed myself the simple pleasure and luxury of purchasing a bath mat for my bathroom. I was not allowed to have one when I was with Josh because Josh said they harbored too many germs. Today I took a gift card I was given at Christmas time and I purchased "starry night" my favorite classic work of art of all time. I promptly hung it in my living room and felt a great satisfaction as I looked around and saw my sanctuary as MINE. (dali, van gogh, rodolophe de salis!! what a collection of prints!) Lately, everything reeks of me. My home smells of me;the fried and salty smell of Tweeters does not cling to my furniture. The smells of freshly brewed coffee, freshly smoked cigarettes, vanilla candles and amber perfumes cling to my house and I know that this is because of ME and me alone. (smells are something that are deeply affecting to me). 2 days ago I purchased a lamp with another christmas time gift card.
2 days ago I closed a bank account and started a new one. I took care of business that Josh let rot and fester. I felt accomplished and remembered the side of me that is extremely organized and careful. If you took a look inside my refrigerator you would find healthy food. There is not a chip or a cookie that occupies any kind of space in this house. When I was catering to Josh, not only was I not able to cook the meals I enjoyed but we were forced to eat fast food constantly. I have rediscovered my passion for healthy eating and I relish the fact that this is something that makes me ME.
There is also Edward, who has brought a light that is near blinding into the pit and prison that was once my life. I have never experienced a love that was friendship based...nor did i ever believe it existed. Edward completes me in a way I have never thought a man could. No. I do not need or want a man to complete me...dont see my above statement as that. What I mean is that, Edward is.... he accepts ME. And he COVETS me. I have never been with someone who just loved me because I was me. What a reward. What a gift....and how nourishing.
 Josh neglected me so badly and so deeply that I felt near skeletal. My love cup had been shattered into millions of pieces and every time i tried to reassemble it Josh smashed it into smaller pieces. I willingly gave my heart and soul to Josh and he smeared my gifts with defamation and abuse. I am so happy to be free...to be free as a naked jay bird. Edward wants my gifts and he treasures them. I cannot explain how wonderful and intoxicating it feels to be loved. finally.
but then there are moments like these when I reel with anguish. when i realize the last three years of my life have been an utter and complete joke. He talks shit about me left and right and people believe the words that come out of his deceitful lips. I think that even he believes his own lies. he gives me no credit...no appreciation for the endless support I gave him. I shut my mouth to give him the silence he wanted, I stopped touching to give him his space, I stopped singing so he could watch,I stopped creating because it muffled his presence, I didnt cook because my food was too spicy for his taste, I stopped needing nourishment so he could grow,  i cleaned so he could feel peace,  I carried and birthed our child so he could be proud but nothing i did was enough...i wasnt enough....ever. I let myself disintegrate into nothingness so he could live his dreams. and I still was never enough...and now he jokes about me. He jokes about my ability to carry and birth his child, he jokes about my desires to make him happy, he shuns me for being hurt at his infidelity.
But this is my message to him,
YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME ANYMORE. You may laugh and make jokes at my expense. You may enjoy the company of graceless women  and desire them because you are not obligated to them but in the end I win. Because I am free. I am free to be the lively, spirited woman I am. You lose because you are empty and lifeless. I know the parties you go to dont fulfill you and I know that the emptiness of your bed is suffocating. I know that you are a sad, lonely, empty person and you will not find happiness. I know that you arent happy and I know that you know you fucked up. in a major kind of way. I'm letting you go now. you are worthless to me now. Edward fulfills me. He touches me. He covets me. He enjoys me. He allows me the space required to be the woman I am and he APPRECIATES me for it. You have no power over me anymore, Josh.