Just..Nonsense...and Rambling

I'm not entirely sure how it came to all this. When we first got together people saw us as a match made in heaven. Between you and I, he was just a rebound. I didnt even like him that much. For some reason, I kept him around, I think because he wanted me. The moments between us were thick with tension from the beginning but it wasnt ever totally romantic for me. He accused me of being unkind to him often and I blamed it on being drunk...though, in actuality, I knew I was being unkind to him...I just was trying to protect him from myself because I didnt even love him, though I knew he loved me. How the tables turned.
As time went on he did covert things like, move me into his apartment bag by bag and before I knew it, I was his live-in girlfriend. Then he started to get angry over normal things like me maybe drinking too much. Understandable, right? who wants to be around a girl who is emotionally disturbed and drunk all the time? The thing is, when he got angry, he was violent.
During our first fight he threw a stack of DVD's at my head as I walked down the street. In our second fight, he ranted and raved for over an hour, never letting me edge a word in. I decided to sleep downstairs which only infuriated him more and encouraged him to drag me up 2 flights of stairs by my feet. After that the fights blur into one another and the screaming matches compete for recognition. Our fights were bad. Violent. In the beginning, I was unafraid to get into his face and scream back. I threw things back. I simply WALKED away.
But overtime there was a new kind of abuse that took place. An abuse I am just now starting to see and recognize.
There were endless mind games. Games where he refused to touch me. Games where he wouldnt look at me or make eye contact for weeks at a time. Games where he would make me beg for affection. Games where he would shred an opinion of value to me into teeny pieces and berate me for my simplistic thinking. He lied to me constantly about what was going on in his life. He created entire elaborate fantasies...that I had no choice to believe because I didnt know any better. He enjoyed finding ways to deny my simple pleasures but provide large ones having nothing to do with what I really wanted. If I loved someone he cooked them down until they were little more than a watery, flavorless broth and I drank it up. Every drop.
 There were few moments of true joy in the three years I was with him, but when I experienced them he found ways to make them painful and frightening. When I saw my 7 year old for the first time in 3 years, I cried tears of joy on the way home. I couldnt stop talking about my son's beautiful face and suddenly, Josh started to rant about our car and how we wouldnt make it home. There was nothing wrong with that car. He just didnt want me to be happy. On Christmas day, instead of enjoying hot cocoa with Jude and I, instead of eating the home cooked feast I had prepared, he sequestered himself off in our room and hit walls because his tooth hurt. His tooth didnt hurt. I know that now.
I was a prisoner in our home when his restaurant opened. He worked for 16 hours a day...he refused me access to my car stating he needed it more....though he had his own vehicle. About once every two weeks he gave me extra spending money to buy the things I wanted. These days were like water on a parched tongue and I drank up as much as my attention starved soul could take in. I always paid for those days...in one way or another. In a fight, he never ceased to sacrifice himself on the alter of money, long work hours and Old navy shopping trips. I should have never taken a dime from him. He screamed "I'M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! I'M NOT ENOUGH!!!" But when I said "No. YOU ARE enough..but I want YOUUUU...not STUFF!", he merely slammed the bedroom door shut, knowing I would not follow him.
I asked him to find time to be with us. I begged for recognition, a look, a touch...anything that would tell me we were still fighting for the same thing...but I received nothing but ipods, dresses and perfume. The day came when he finally said "NO. I will not find the time to be with you more. It's just not there." and I stayed. I stayed. even after his flat out denial of the ONE thing I wanted. He lost me that day...emotionally speaking. The thing is...I was just too afraid to walk out that door. After several death threats during raucous  arguments I was afraid to leave him, afraid of what he might do to the people I loved if he couldnt find me. I stayed because I had nothing to my name, except outstanding bills and a newborn. I stayed because I had been sequestered inside my dungeon for so long I had grown stagnant. Perhaps I had a mild version of Stockholm Syndrome. At any rate...I separated my heart from him a long time ago. I didnt touch any more. I didnt look at him any more. I didnt talk to him any more. That is, after all, what he wanted.
I spent my days dreaming of love. I  dreamed of being held by someone who thought I was precious. I sang love songs to myself and imagined someone really felt that way about me. I learned to feel things when he wasnt around and shut myself down when he was home.
I think he knew that he had lost me because he became obsessed with what I did. He stalked my Facebook, he stalked my friend's Facebooks, he ran through our television's history to see what i had been watching, he checked my phone's history regularly to see what I was saying and who i was saying it to...he made ridiculous accusations of infidelity and even grew angry at mere jokes of masturbation.
Meanwhile, something was changing inside me. A light began to flicker inside me. It had nothing to do with him and I knew it. I tried to make it go away, I tried so desperately to fit into his box but this light was relentless; it could not be extinguished. I believe he saw it as well because his grip on me tightened. Our fights lasted longer and he became more emotionally/verbally/mentally abusive. He called me horrific names. Threatened consequences for mere infractions. I was in HELL and constantly afraid. The more afraid I became, the more anxious I grew which angered and annoyed him further. He would berate me for hours, screaming at me for being simple and retarded.
But that light flickered. And for some reason, I protected that little light. I fed that little light my dreams and watched the sparks fly. At night, though I woke up sobbing and and heaving, I remembered sweet moments. Moments in my dreams where I was walking on rainbows, hand in hand with tall men who thought I was lovely. That light kept me warm in the bleakest winter I have ever endured.

conundrum

Maybe I am schitzo, or maybe I am a Gemini, or maybe I've been listening to the Cure too much..or maybe the Borderline Personality Disorder I was diagnosed with years ago(bullshit diagnosis, thank you very much.) has finally turned and I am as looney as a jay bird. I dont know but I literally feel a split...a massive divide in myself and my life right now.
In AA they say that you should never let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired because it takes you to dark places...places that make you drink. Though I would not identify myself as being Alcoholic, I do believe that some of the Alcoholic's Anonymous theories work towards keeping me stable....so I keep them around.
Lately, I am too hungry, too angry, too lonely and too tired....i think this is where the great divide is coming from and I think this is why when 6pm rolls around my skin crawls.
In ways, I am happier than I have ever been. Yesterday, I allowed myself the simple pleasure and luxury of purchasing a bath mat for my bathroom. I was not allowed to have one when I was with Josh because Josh said they harbored too many germs. Today I took a gift card I was given at Christmas time and I purchased "starry night" my favorite classic work of art of all time. I promptly hung it in my living room and felt a great satisfaction as I looked around and saw my sanctuary as MINE. (dali, van gogh, rodolophe de salis!! what a collection of prints!) Lately, everything reeks of me. My home smells of me;the fried and salty smell of Tweeters does not cling to my furniture. The smells of freshly brewed coffee, freshly smoked cigarettes, vanilla candles and amber perfumes cling to my house and I know that this is because of ME and me alone. (smells are something that are deeply affecting to me). 2 days ago I purchased a lamp with another christmas time gift card.
2 days ago I closed a bank account and started a new one. I took care of business that Josh let rot and fester. I felt accomplished and remembered the side of me that is extremely organized and careful. If you took a look inside my refrigerator you would find healthy food. There is not a chip or a cookie that occupies any kind of space in this house. When I was catering to Josh, not only was I not able to cook the meals I enjoyed but we were forced to eat fast food constantly. I have rediscovered my passion for healthy eating and I relish the fact that this is something that makes me ME.
There is also Edward, who has brought a light that is near blinding into the pit and prison that was once my life. I have never experienced a love that was friendship based...nor did i ever believe it existed. Edward completes me in a way I have never thought a man could. No. I do not need or want a man to complete me...dont see my above statement as that. What I mean is that, Edward is.... he accepts ME. And he COVETS me. I have never been with someone who just loved me because I was me. What a reward. What a gift....and how nourishing.
 Josh neglected me so badly and so deeply that I felt near skeletal. My love cup had been shattered into millions of pieces and every time i tried to reassemble it Josh smashed it into smaller pieces. I willingly gave my heart and soul to Josh and he smeared my gifts with defamation and abuse. I am so happy to be free...to be free as a naked jay bird. Edward wants my gifts and he treasures them. I cannot explain how wonderful and intoxicating it feels to be loved. finally.
but then there are moments like these when I reel with anguish. when i realize the last three years of my life have been an utter and complete joke. He talks shit about me left and right and people believe the words that come out of his deceitful lips. I think that even he believes his own lies. he gives me no credit...no appreciation for the endless support I gave him. I shut my mouth to give him the silence he wanted, I stopped touching to give him his space, I stopped singing so he could watch,I stopped creating because it muffled his presence, I didnt cook because my food was too spicy for his taste, I stopped needing nourishment so he could grow,  i cleaned so he could feel peace,  I carried and birthed our child so he could be proud but nothing i did was enough...i wasnt enough....ever. I let myself disintegrate into nothingness so he could live his dreams. and I still was never enough...and now he jokes about me. He jokes about my ability to carry and birth his child, he jokes about my desires to make him happy, he shuns me for being hurt at his infidelity.
But this is my message to him,
YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME ANYMORE. You may laugh and make jokes at my expense. You may enjoy the company of graceless women  and desire them because you are not obligated to them but in the end I win. Because I am free. I am free to be the lively, spirited woman I am. You lose because you are empty and lifeless. I know the parties you go to dont fulfill you and I know that the emptiness of your bed is suffocating. I know that you are a sad, lonely, empty person and you will not find happiness. I know that you arent happy and I know that you know you fucked up. in a major kind of way. I'm letting you go now. you are worthless to me now. Edward fulfills me. He touches me. He covets me. He enjoys me. He allows me the space required to be the woman I am and he APPRECIATES me for it. You have no power over me anymore, Josh.

Josh...you are an asshole

Yes. yes you are. I have hated you for so long. Funny how love and hate go hand in hand like that sometimes. I dont understand how i can hate you so much and be so over you and yet be so hurt over this whole thing. and i dont understand why you are so unaffected. and i dont understand why you still blame our break up on me when you were the one who never wanted to be home(yet, suddenly...all this free time has randomly appeared and been afforded) and I dont understand how you can be so heartless. and i dont understand why you stopped loving me. And i dont understand why you neglected me so badly. I hate you so much. I hate you for spreading lies about me. Do you know that you lie? are you aware that everything that comes out of your mouth is garbage..or do you actually believe yourself.??
Ps...your new girlfriend is ugly. really ugly. I cant believe you are dating her. ew. i hate you. get herpes and die fucker. go fuck yourself.