R.I.P

We were two lil emo kids running around, chain smoking and listening to really bad music. It was a sexy summer and it was hot. And we were drunk. And we fucked in the back of the car every time we could. And i sang "Kelsey" to you over and over again because you loved to hear me sing "I loooove youuu" and I loved to sing it to you. We were young and I felt 16 with you. Our love felt  like a treasured secret and no one else could understand. I loved your shaggy rust hair and your amber eyes. I loved to run my hands over your proud chest and i loved how you tasted salty and sweet. You touched me like i was made of glass and i had to stop myself from shivering when we kissed. I loved waking up in your arms, I knew you hadnt moved a muscle just so we would be close all night and when i asked you what the best part of your day was when we woke up, i always knew you would say it was me. You were the best part of my day too. i loved you so wholly....so fully...i thought my body would explode. I loved you in my toes. I loved you in my ears. I loved you with my lips. I loved you with my eyes. And i loved you with every inch of my heart.
where did that go?? what happened?? I thought that sexy summer would over power anything the world threw at us. I thought we were invincible. I thought you would always touch me like i was made of glass. Dont you know how i worshiped you? dont you know how i felt like i was choking whenever we were apart?? dont you know that i would have followed you through hell and back?
Why?? why did this happen to us?? Why is that summer so expendable now?? all of a sudden that magical canoe trip seems wasteful. Thoughts of my first roller coaster ride with you give me worse bubble guts than the actual roller coaster ever did.
The day our baby was born I loved you more than I ever had before, and i never thought that was possible. I wanted to be yours forever that day and I never wanted to let you go. We made a beautiful baby together. He was the perfect blend of you and I....made so deliciously that perfect night in our tent. He was the perfect representation and manifestation of everything we were...everything we felt for each other. He was our love. We made him out of pure, pure love. gave you something I have never given anyone before and that was all of me. I really viewed you as my husband. I was endlessly devoted to you. The last remaining part of my innocence...the part that was being saved for my future husband, I gave that to you. and you threw it away. Why wasnt it good enough? why wasnt i good enough??? i want that innocence back. I want to give it to someone who will treat it like glass.
It all seems comical and wasteful now. I dont know what was a lie and what isnt anymore. I dont know when you stopped loving me and i am desperately trying to find a moment in time when i can say "there it is. that's when he stopped seeing me". i want to know. But i dont. it's just salt on my gaping broken heart.oh god i know that. i keep searching for answers but can only conclude that I will never know.
I'm putting you to bed now. I cant keep holding on to these memories that were once so precious...they're making me sick. I lay in bed and think of the man i fell in love with...the man who's hands my body ached for for 3 years on another woman's body and I crumple, i sink and i cant imagine life without you in it. I cant imagine my body not being with yours. I cant imagine our little boy...our little boy who was made with our intense obsession and love for each other wont ever see us touch. He'll never get to see that he was made out of something beautiful. I cant imagine. I just cant because all I remember is you. I remember everything and I want the YOU i fell in love with back...even just for a night.
I'm burying this now. I'm burying it all. Goodbye first rollercoaster. Goodbye canoe. Goodbye star gazing. Goodbye first kiss. Goodbye camping trip. Goodbye hands. Goodbye eyes. Goodbye hair. Goodbye car fucking. Good bye sexy summer. Goodbye future. Goodbye you. Goodbye us.