barely breathing

i dont know how safe it is to post on this majigger. i just need some form of release. I am drowning; i am suffocating in my own thoughts....this just.cant.go.on.anymore. as with any diary, I dont know if i should start from the beginning or if i should just pick up where i am and run with it. i guess it doesnt matter.
Last night was awful. it was the first night in a long time that I felt truly hopeless. I got back from Alaska last Wednesday. We shared two beautiful, passionate nights before the we went right back to how we are. The baby woke up at 4 am, and me, being heavily jet lagged did not hear the baby crying. But HE did. and HE got up to see what was going on. Apparently, the baby wasnt feeling well because he had vomited and had dirtied his diaper. HE came woke me up. HE told me I needed to change the baby. When I told him that he was capable of cleaning our child up, he yelled "FUCK YOU" and stormed out. Moments later, our son ran into our bedroom and i heard "GOOD. GO WAKE YOUR MOM UP."
God. if anyone knows how to push a button....he does. I hopped out of bed and said "FUCK YOU", "I HATE YOU", and told our son his daddy was lazy and an ass.
HE slept on the couch that night. We havent slept in the same bed since. We really havent spoken much except for what we HAVE to talk about. i sent him an email and apologized...but he threatened me, saying there would be" large consequences" for telling HIS son that HE is lazy.
I'm unsure of what to say now, as the emotions rise and I feel like Dorothy in the tornado.....i would prefer the strange and unfamiliar Munchkin Land  to this unstable whirlwind of drama, pain and instability.
He came home last night with pre-cooked ribs from work. He informed me that my favorite flowers (lilys) were out of season(lie), that no one was available for babysitting(lie), that he HAD made plans and reservations at The REFECTORY(lie).....lie, lie, lie. Everything that came out of his mouth was a LIE.
How do I know?? because when he went to go pick up boxed white wine for me his sister called. She informed me that her baby's daddy was working- that she could watch the baby for us, that her baby's daddy-despite hating her- got her LILYS and BATH AND BODY WORKS products.
I informed HIM of all that. He just lied his way through the discomfort. lie, lie, lie. Then he asked me if I DID want to do something since we suddenly had a babysitter and i said "no".
I poured a glass of wine and I drank. and I drank. and i ate those ribs. and I fed my son dinner in his room and I cried. and I cried. and I cried. Because how could HE be so heartless??
Let's call a spade a spade here...I consider myself  to be a pretty smart girl and have a knack for reading between the lines. If HE had wanted to do something, he could have. If HE had wanted to make plans HE would have made them BEFORE he came home. But we're in a 4 day fight. And i get that. Truthfully, i wasnt even expecting him to come home. But he did and he LIED, LIED, LIED, instead of stating the obvious "I didnt want to do anything for you because I'm angry".
We could have talked. We could have fixed the last year's worth of resentment and anger. We could have started new. I cant think of a better Valentines Day gift then getting my Valentine back.
Instead, I played farmville, guzzled wine, smoked thousands of cigarettes and eventually left to visit with his sister....who further informed me of sooo many more lies.
I made two feeble attempts to wake him up, stating..."Hey, we need to talk about this. Dont you care anymore?" his response?? "Yes. but i need to sleep. I'm not talking to you right now."
Just another form of him choosing his job over me. Just another form of him saying "I really just dont give a shit anymore".
I dont understand. I dont understand so many things. He hates me because I dont have a job. He doesnt respect me because all i do is clean, cook and take care of the family. He told me he wants "help" but wont clarify what that means. He wont tell me what he's really thinking and feeling only stating "you're ungrateful. selfish. nothing i do is good enough for you". When i share my heart, he spits on it and martyrs himself on a cross made of long working hours and all the things he has bought me.
During the day, he stalks my facebook. Investigates every. single. person i talk to. He knows more about my friends than i do.
I have found myself feeling more and more like a prisoner.He has taken my car from me...and if he isnt using it then his friends are. I asked for the car today and he told me that his friend needs it for work today. He has forced me into a position of dependence, resents me for it, holds the things HE HAS TO DO FOR ME over my head and then runs around telling people how he is going to FORCE me to get a job......but how can i get a job when he is forever stealing my car?? I would LOVE a job. I would LOVE to gain some independence.
But he wants to hold these things over my head. He brings them up every time we fight. He wants to be in control. He talks passive aggressively of making me SUBMISSIVE....and being a good, christian girl, i WOULD submit...if he were a Godly, LOVING, KIND, GENTLE man.
I feel more and more that he doesnt actually want to be in this relationship so much as he doesnt want to lose face and ego and pride. We have a reputation. People think we are perfect for each other. what a lie. he doesnt even know me. HE still sees me as the suicidal, crazy, drunk girl i was three years ago. But since then, I've changed in huge ways. I have found a love and passion for life that is BURSTING despite the toxicity of our relationship. there is something inside me that is sooo good....and i could be soooo good to him but I'm holding this new me secret...it's so precious. it's like a flower and he will trample it. I cant risk vulnerability because he will hold me emotionally hostage.
He doesnt see the big picture. He doesnt see that all these little resentments are building into the destruction of us. IN his eyes, if we are not actively fighting then we are fine. In my eyes, we are drowning in SICKNESS.
When i wake up in the mornings, my pillow is wet from crying. crying i do in my dreams. crying i dont know i am doing. crying my subconscious is needing.
 I had a dream that i was a black bird with white cuffs around my feet and i was in a cage with beautiful, young cockatiels. they were happy in their cage but i was sick in it...and in my attempts to get out I broke my wing. and so i hung from my cage, half in-half out...and waited to get help or waited to die. my feathers grew thick with black oil and my other bird friends became afraid of me as they became more beautiful and huddled in the opposite corner of the cage.
This fight is not about dirty diapers at 4am, or out of season lilys...this fight is about so much more. i can pinpoint two moments in time when i realized that this relationship was toxic. why cant he be man enough to be real with me??
Why is he so heartless??