I'm not entirely sure how it came to all this. When we first got together people saw us as a match made in heaven. Between you and I, he was just a rebound. I didnt even like him that much. For some reason, I kept him around, I think because he wanted me. The moments between us were thick with tension from the beginning but it wasnt ever totally romantic for me. He accused me of being unkind to him often and I blamed it on being drunk...though, in actuality, I knew I was being unkind to him...I just was trying to protect him from myself because I didnt even love him, though I knew he loved me. How the tables turned.
As time went on he did covert things like, move me into his apartment bag by bag and before I knew it, I was his live-in girlfriend. Then he started to get angry over normal things like me maybe drinking too much. Understandable, right? who wants to be around a girl who is emotionally disturbed and drunk all the time? The thing is, when he got angry, he was violent.
During our first fight he threw a stack of DVD's at my head as I walked down the street. In our second fight, he ranted and raved for over an hour, never letting me edge a word in. I decided to sleep downstairs which only infuriated him more and encouraged him to drag me up 2 flights of stairs by my feet. After that the fights blur into one another and the screaming matches compete for recognition. Our fights were bad. Violent. In the beginning, I was unafraid to get into his face and scream back. I threw things back. I simply WALKED away.
But overtime there was a new kind of abuse that took place. An abuse I am just now starting to see and recognize.
There were endless mind games. Games where he refused to touch me. Games where he wouldnt look at me or make eye contact for weeks at a time. Games where he would make me beg for affection. Games where he would shred an opinion of value to me into teeny pieces and berate me for my simplistic thinking. He lied to me constantly about what was going on in his life. He created entire elaborate fantasies...that I had no choice to believe because I didnt know any better. He enjoyed finding ways to deny my simple pleasures but provide large ones having nothing to do with what I really wanted. If I loved someone he cooked them down until they were little more than a watery, flavorless broth and I drank it up. Every drop.
There were few moments of true joy in the three years I was with him, but when I experienced them he found ways to make them painful and frightening. When I saw my 7 year old for the first time in 3 years, I cried tears of joy on the way home. I couldnt stop talking about my son's beautiful face and suddenly, Josh started to rant about our car and how we wouldnt make it home. There was nothing wrong with that car. He just didnt want me to be happy. On Christmas day, instead of enjoying hot cocoa with Jude and I, instead of eating the home cooked feast I had prepared, he sequestered himself off in our room and hit walls because his tooth hurt. His tooth didnt hurt. I know that now.
I was a prisoner in our home when his restaurant opened. He worked for 16 hours a day...he refused me access to my car stating he needed it more....though he had his own vehicle. About once every two weeks he gave me extra spending money to buy the things I wanted. These days were like water on a parched tongue and I drank up as much as my attention starved soul could take in. I always paid for those days...in one way or another. In a fight, he never ceased to sacrifice himself on the alter of money, long work hours and Old navy shopping trips. I should have never taken a dime from him. He screamed "I'M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! I'M NOT ENOUGH!!!" But when I said "No. YOU ARE enough..but I want YOUUUU...not STUFF!", he merely slammed the bedroom door shut, knowing I would not follow him.
I asked him to find time to be with us. I begged for recognition, a look, a touch...anything that would tell me we were still fighting for the same thing...but I received nothing but ipods, dresses and perfume. The day came when he finally said "NO. I will not find the time to be with you more. It's just not there." and I stayed. I stayed. even after his flat out denial of the ONE thing I wanted. He lost me that day...emotionally speaking. The thing is...I was just too afraid to walk out that door. After several death threats during raucous arguments I was afraid to leave him, afraid of what he might do to the people I loved if he couldnt find me. I stayed because I had nothing to my name, except outstanding bills and a newborn. I stayed because I had been sequestered inside my dungeon for so long I had grown stagnant. Perhaps I had a mild version of Stockholm Syndrome. At any rate...I separated my heart from him a long time ago. I didnt touch any more. I didnt look at him any more. I didnt talk to him any more. That is, after all, what he wanted.
I spent my days dreaming of love. I dreamed of being held by someone who thought I was precious. I sang love songs to myself and imagined someone really felt that way about me. I learned to feel things when he wasnt around and shut myself down when he was home.
I think he knew that he had lost me because he became obsessed with what I did. He stalked my Facebook, he stalked my friend's Facebooks, he ran through our television's history to see what i had been watching, he checked my phone's history regularly to see what I was saying and who i was saying it to...he made ridiculous accusations of infidelity and even grew angry at mere jokes of masturbation.
Meanwhile, something was changing inside me. A light began to flicker inside me. It had nothing to do with him and I knew it. I tried to make it go away, I tried so desperately to fit into his box but this light was relentless; it could not be extinguished. I believe he saw it as well because his grip on me tightened. Our fights lasted longer and he became more emotionally/verbally/mentally abusive. He called me horrific names. Threatened consequences for mere infractions. I was in HELL and constantly afraid. The more afraid I became, the more anxious I grew which angered and annoyed him further. He would berate me for hours, screaming at me for being simple and retarded.
But that light flickered. And for some reason, I protected that little light. I fed that little light my dreams and watched the sparks fly. At night, though I woke up sobbing and and heaving, I remembered sweet moments. Moments in my dreams where I was walking on rainbows, hand in hand with tall men who thought I was lovely. That light kept me warm in the bleakest winter I have ever endured.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
conundrum
Maybe I am schitzo, or maybe I am a Gemini, or maybe I've been listening to the Cure too much..or maybe the Borderline Personality Disorder I was diagnosed with years ago(bullshit diagnosis, thank you very much.) has finally turned and I am as looney as a jay bird. I dont know but I literally feel a split...a massive divide in myself and my life right now.
In AA they say that you should never let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired because it takes you to dark places...places that make you drink. Though I would not identify myself as being Alcoholic, I do believe that some of the Alcoholic's Anonymous theories work towards keeping me stable....so I keep them around.
Lately, I am too hungry, too angry, too lonely and too tired....i think this is where the great divide is coming from and I think this is why when 6pm rolls around my skin crawls.
In ways, I am happier than I have ever been. Yesterday, I allowed myself the simple pleasure and luxury of purchasing a bath mat for my bathroom. I was not allowed to have one when I was with Josh because Josh said they harbored too many germs. Today I took a gift card I was given at Christmas time and I purchased "starry night" my favorite classic work of art of all time. I promptly hung it in my living room and felt a great satisfaction as I looked around and saw my sanctuary as MINE. (dali, van gogh, rodolophe de salis!! what a collection of prints!) Lately, everything reeks of me. My home smells of me;the fried and salty smell of Tweeters does not cling to my furniture. The smells of freshly brewed coffee, freshly smoked cigarettes, vanilla candles and amber perfumes cling to my house and I know that this is because of ME and me alone. (smells are something that are deeply affecting to me). 2 days ago I purchased a lamp with another christmas time gift card.
2 days ago I closed a bank account and started a new one. I took care of business that Josh let rot and fester. I felt accomplished and remembered the side of me that is extremely organized and careful. If you took a look inside my refrigerator you would find healthy food. There is not a chip or a cookie that occupies any kind of space in this house. When I was catering to Josh, not only was I not able to cook the meals I enjoyed but we were forced to eat fast food constantly. I have rediscovered my passion for healthy eating and I relish the fact that this is something that makes me ME.
There is also Edward, who has brought a light that is near blinding into the pit and prison that was once my life. I have never experienced a love that was friendship based...nor did i ever believe it existed. Edward completes me in a way I have never thought a man could. No. I do not need or want a man to complete me...dont see my above statement as that. What I mean is that, Edward is.... he accepts ME. And he COVETS me. I have never been with someone who just loved me because I was me. What a reward. What a gift....and how nourishing.
Josh neglected me so badly and so deeply that I felt near skeletal. My love cup had been shattered into millions of pieces and every time i tried to reassemble it Josh smashed it into smaller pieces. I willingly gave my heart and soul to Josh and he smeared my gifts with defamation and abuse. I am so happy to be free...to be free as a naked jay bird. Edward wants my gifts and he treasures them. I cannot explain how wonderful and intoxicating it feels to be loved. finally.
but then there are moments like these when I reel with anguish. when i realize the last three years of my life have been an utter and complete joke. He talks shit about me left and right and people believe the words that come out of his deceitful lips. I think that even he believes his own lies. he gives me no credit...no appreciation for the endless support I gave him. I shut my mouth to give him the silence he wanted, I stopped touching to give him his space, I stopped singing so he could watch,I stopped creating because it muffled his presence, I didnt cook because my food was too spicy for his taste, I stopped needing nourishment so he could grow, i cleaned so he could feel peace, I carried and birthed our child so he could be proud but nothing i did was enough...i wasnt enough....ever. I let myself disintegrate into nothingness so he could live his dreams. and I still was never enough...and now he jokes about me. He jokes about my ability to carry and birth his child, he jokes about my desires to make him happy, he shuns me for being hurt at his infidelity.
But this is my message to him,
YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME ANYMORE. You may laugh and make jokes at my expense. You may enjoy the company of graceless women and desire them because you are not obligated to them but in the end I win. Because I am free. I am free to be the lively, spirited woman I am. You lose because you are empty and lifeless. I know the parties you go to dont fulfill you and I know that the emptiness of your bed is suffocating. I know that you are a sad, lonely, empty person and you will not find happiness. I know that you arent happy and I know that you know you fucked up. in a major kind of way. I'm letting you go now. you are worthless to me now. Edward fulfills me. He touches me. He covets me. He enjoys me. He allows me the space required to be the woman I am and he APPRECIATES me for it. You have no power over me anymore, Josh.
In AA they say that you should never let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired because it takes you to dark places...places that make you drink. Though I would not identify myself as being Alcoholic, I do believe that some of the Alcoholic's Anonymous theories work towards keeping me stable....so I keep them around.
Lately, I am too hungry, too angry, too lonely and too tired....i think this is where the great divide is coming from and I think this is why when 6pm rolls around my skin crawls.
In ways, I am happier than I have ever been. Yesterday, I allowed myself the simple pleasure and luxury of purchasing a bath mat for my bathroom. I was not allowed to have one when I was with Josh because Josh said they harbored too many germs. Today I took a gift card I was given at Christmas time and I purchased "starry night" my favorite classic work of art of all time. I promptly hung it in my living room and felt a great satisfaction as I looked around and saw my sanctuary as MINE. (dali, van gogh, rodolophe de salis!! what a collection of prints!) Lately, everything reeks of me. My home smells of me;the fried and salty smell of Tweeters does not cling to my furniture. The smells of freshly brewed coffee, freshly smoked cigarettes, vanilla candles and amber perfumes cling to my house and I know that this is because of ME and me alone. (smells are something that are deeply affecting to me). 2 days ago I purchased a lamp with another christmas time gift card.
2 days ago I closed a bank account and started a new one. I took care of business that Josh let rot and fester. I felt accomplished and remembered the side of me that is extremely organized and careful. If you took a look inside my refrigerator you would find healthy food. There is not a chip or a cookie that occupies any kind of space in this house. When I was catering to Josh, not only was I not able to cook the meals I enjoyed but we were forced to eat fast food constantly. I have rediscovered my passion for healthy eating and I relish the fact that this is something that makes me ME.
There is also Edward, who has brought a light that is near blinding into the pit and prison that was once my life. I have never experienced a love that was friendship based...nor did i ever believe it existed. Edward completes me in a way I have never thought a man could. No. I do not need or want a man to complete me...dont see my above statement as that. What I mean is that, Edward is.... he accepts ME. And he COVETS me. I have never been with someone who just loved me because I was me. What a reward. What a gift....and how nourishing.
Josh neglected me so badly and so deeply that I felt near skeletal. My love cup had been shattered into millions of pieces and every time i tried to reassemble it Josh smashed it into smaller pieces. I willingly gave my heart and soul to Josh and he smeared my gifts with defamation and abuse. I am so happy to be free...to be free as a naked jay bird. Edward wants my gifts and he treasures them. I cannot explain how wonderful and intoxicating it feels to be loved. finally.
but then there are moments like these when I reel with anguish. when i realize the last three years of my life have been an utter and complete joke. He talks shit about me left and right and people believe the words that come out of his deceitful lips. I think that even he believes his own lies. he gives me no credit...no appreciation for the endless support I gave him. I shut my mouth to give him the silence he wanted, I stopped touching to give him his space, I stopped singing so he could watch,I stopped creating because it muffled his presence, I didnt cook because my food was too spicy for his taste, I stopped needing nourishment so he could grow, i cleaned so he could feel peace, I carried and birthed our child so he could be proud but nothing i did was enough...i wasnt enough....ever. I let myself disintegrate into nothingness so he could live his dreams. and I still was never enough...and now he jokes about me. He jokes about my ability to carry and birth his child, he jokes about my desires to make him happy, he shuns me for being hurt at his infidelity.
But this is my message to him,
YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME ANYMORE. You may laugh and make jokes at my expense. You may enjoy the company of graceless women and desire them because you are not obligated to them but in the end I win. Because I am free. I am free to be the lively, spirited woman I am. You lose because you are empty and lifeless. I know the parties you go to dont fulfill you and I know that the emptiness of your bed is suffocating. I know that you are a sad, lonely, empty person and you will not find happiness. I know that you arent happy and I know that you know you fucked up. in a major kind of way. I'm letting you go now. you are worthless to me now. Edward fulfills me. He touches me. He covets me. He enjoys me. He allows me the space required to be the woman I am and he APPRECIATES me for it. You have no power over me anymore, Josh.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Josh...you are an asshole
Yes. yes you are. I have hated you for so long. Funny how love and hate go hand in hand like that sometimes. I dont understand how i can hate you so much and be so over you and yet be so hurt over this whole thing. and i dont understand why you are so unaffected. and i dont understand why you still blame our break up on me when you were the one who never wanted to be home(yet, suddenly...all this free time has randomly appeared and been afforded) and I dont understand how you can be so heartless. and i dont understand why you stopped loving me. And i dont understand why you neglected me so badly. I hate you so much. I hate you for spreading lies about me. Do you know that you lie? are you aware that everything that comes out of your mouth is garbage..or do you actually believe yourself.??
Ps...your new girlfriend is ugly. really ugly. I cant believe you are dating her. ew. i hate you. get herpes and die fucker. go fuck yourself.
Ps...your new girlfriend is ugly. really ugly. I cant believe you are dating her. ew. i hate you. get herpes and die fucker. go fuck yourself.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Astro-Glide: Gliding through
I am almost 26. I have had a total of...*whispering to self* 1....2...3...FIVE...five serious boyfriends. (this does not count guys who i dated for MONTHS..these are guys I was either engaged to or dated for longer than a year) And today I noticed something peculiar about each relationship.
today I noticed that at the beginning of each new serious relationship I always buy a new bottle of Lube. yes. LUUUUBE. sex lube. What's even funnier to me is that the sex lube lasts about as long as the relationship does.
Now, I'm not sitting here reading into the significance of my preferred sex lubes and the influence they have on my relationships. I'm simply just noting that 1) sex lube is an inexpensive investment for at least 2 years worth of fun and 2) why the eff cant I be in a relationship that is 2 bottles of sex-lube worthy??! Honestly?! I sincerely look forward to the day when I can look at my special someone and say "hey. we just ran out of Astro-glide. Shall we try KY Intense?"
today I noticed that at the beginning of each new serious relationship I always buy a new bottle of Lube. yes. LUUUUBE. sex lube. What's even funnier to me is that the sex lube lasts about as long as the relationship does.
Now, I'm not sitting here reading into the significance of my preferred sex lubes and the influence they have on my relationships. I'm simply just noting that 1) sex lube is an inexpensive investment for at least 2 years worth of fun and 2) why the eff cant I be in a relationship that is 2 bottles of sex-lube worthy??! Honestly?! I sincerely look forward to the day when I can look at my special someone and say "hey. we just ran out of Astro-glide. Shall we try KY Intense?"
Saturday, March 12, 2011
dear homewrecking slut
i hope you wake up one day and feel like the whore you are. though you did me a favor, you had no right to touch a man who didnt belong to you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. do you know what you have done to my son?? do you care about what you've done to me??? do you realize that you are just a typical whore and he will NEVER respect you and you probably will never respect yourself?? you tore a family up. you're a WHORE. A WHORE. fuck you. i hate you so much. I hope i never see you because though i have NEVER hit someone out of anger I want to smash your ugly face in. You robbed me. I deserved a break up with dignity...i didnt deserve this. I deserved a respectful break up and you ROBBED me of that. you fucking cunt. I hope you know what a piece of shit you are....you and josh fucking deserve each other. thank you.
R.I.P
We were two lil emo kids running around, chain smoking and listening to really bad music. It was a sexy summer and it was hot. And we were drunk. And we fucked in the back of the car every time we could. And i sang "Kelsey" to you over and over again because you loved to hear me sing "I loooove youuu" and I loved to sing it to you. We were young and I felt 16 with you. Our love felt like a treasured secret and no one else could understand. I loved your shaggy rust hair and your amber eyes. I loved to run my hands over your proud chest and i loved how you tasted salty and sweet. You touched me like i was made of glass and i had to stop myself from shivering when we kissed. I loved waking up in your arms, I knew you hadnt moved a muscle just so we would be close all night and when i asked you what the best part of your day was when we woke up, i always knew you would say it was me. You were the best part of my day too. i loved you so wholly....so fully...i thought my body would explode. I loved you in my toes. I loved you in my ears. I loved you with my lips. I loved you with my eyes. And i loved you with every inch of my heart.
where did that go?? what happened?? I thought that sexy summer would over power anything the world threw at us. I thought we were invincible. I thought you would always touch me like i was made of glass. Dont you know how i worshiped you? dont you know how i felt like i was choking whenever we were apart?? dont you know that i would have followed you through hell and back?
Why?? why did this happen to us?? Why is that summer so expendable now?? all of a sudden that magical canoe trip seems wasteful. Thoughts of my first roller coaster ride with you give me worse bubble guts than the actual roller coaster ever did.
The day our baby was born I loved you more than I ever had before, and i never thought that was possible. I wanted to be yours forever that day and I never wanted to let you go. We made a beautiful baby together. He was the perfect blend of you and I....made so deliciously that perfect night in our tent. He was the perfect representation and manifestation of everything we were...everything we felt for each other. He was our love. We made him out of pure, pure love. gave you something I have never given anyone before and that was all of me. I really viewed you as my husband. I was endlessly devoted to you. The last remaining part of my innocence...the part that was being saved for my future husband, I gave that to you. and you threw it away. Why wasnt it good enough? why wasnt i good enough??? i want that innocence back. I want to give it to someone who will treat it like glass.
It all seems comical and wasteful now. I dont know what was a lie and what isnt anymore. I dont know when you stopped loving me and i am desperately trying to find a moment in time when i can say "there it is. that's when he stopped seeing me". i want to know. But i dont. it's just salt on my gaping broken heart.oh god i know that. i keep searching for answers but can only conclude that I will never know.
I'm putting you to bed now. I cant keep holding on to these memories that were once so precious...they're making me sick. I lay in bed and think of the man i fell in love with...the man who's hands my body ached for for 3 years on another woman's body and I crumple, i sink and i cant imagine life without you in it. I cant imagine my body not being with yours. I cant imagine our little boy...our little boy who was made with our intense obsession and love for each other wont ever see us touch. He'll never get to see that he was made out of something beautiful. I cant imagine. I just cant because all I remember is you. I remember everything and I want the YOU i fell in love with back...even just for a night.
I'm burying this now. I'm burying it all. Goodbye first rollercoaster. Goodbye canoe. Goodbye star gazing. Goodbye first kiss. Goodbye camping trip. Goodbye hands. Goodbye eyes. Goodbye hair. Goodbye car fucking. Good bye sexy summer. Goodbye future. Goodbye you. Goodbye us.
where did that go?? what happened?? I thought that sexy summer would over power anything the world threw at us. I thought we were invincible. I thought you would always touch me like i was made of glass. Dont you know how i worshiped you? dont you know how i felt like i was choking whenever we were apart?? dont you know that i would have followed you through hell and back?
Why?? why did this happen to us?? Why is that summer so expendable now?? all of a sudden that magical canoe trip seems wasteful. Thoughts of my first roller coaster ride with you give me worse bubble guts than the actual roller coaster ever did.
The day our baby was born I loved you more than I ever had before, and i never thought that was possible. I wanted to be yours forever that day and I never wanted to let you go. We made a beautiful baby together. He was the perfect blend of you and I....made so deliciously that perfect night in our tent. He was the perfect representation and manifestation of everything we were...everything we felt for each other. He was our love. We made him out of pure, pure love. gave you something I have never given anyone before and that was all of me. I really viewed you as my husband. I was endlessly devoted to you. The last remaining part of my innocence...the part that was being saved for my future husband, I gave that to you. and you threw it away. Why wasnt it good enough? why wasnt i good enough??? i want that innocence back. I want to give it to someone who will treat it like glass.
It all seems comical and wasteful now. I dont know what was a lie and what isnt anymore. I dont know when you stopped loving me and i am desperately trying to find a moment in time when i can say "there it is. that's when he stopped seeing me". i want to know. But i dont. it's just salt on my gaping broken heart.oh god i know that. i keep searching for answers but can only conclude that I will never know.
I'm putting you to bed now. I cant keep holding on to these memories that were once so precious...they're making me sick. I lay in bed and think of the man i fell in love with...the man who's hands my body ached for for 3 years on another woman's body and I crumple, i sink and i cant imagine life without you in it. I cant imagine my body not being with yours. I cant imagine our little boy...our little boy who was made with our intense obsession and love for each other wont ever see us touch. He'll never get to see that he was made out of something beautiful. I cant imagine. I just cant because all I remember is you. I remember everything and I want the YOU i fell in love with back...even just for a night.
I'm burying this now. I'm burying it all. Goodbye first rollercoaster. Goodbye canoe. Goodbye star gazing. Goodbye first kiss. Goodbye camping trip. Goodbye hands. Goodbye eyes. Goodbye hair. Goodbye car fucking. Good bye sexy summer. Goodbye future. Goodbye you. Goodbye us.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
barely breathing
i dont know how safe it is to post on this majigger. i just need some form of release. I am drowning; i am suffocating in my own thoughts....this just.cant.go.on.anymore. as with any diary, I dont know if i should start from the beginning or if i should just pick up where i am and run with it. i guess it doesnt matter.
Last night was awful. it was the first night in a long time that I felt truly hopeless. I got back from Alaska last Wednesday. We shared two beautiful, passionate nights before the we went right back to how we are. The baby woke up at 4 am, and me, being heavily jet lagged did not hear the baby crying. But HE did. and HE got up to see what was going on. Apparently, the baby wasnt feeling well because he had vomited and had dirtied his diaper. HE came woke me up. HE told me I needed to change the baby. When I told him that he was capable of cleaning our child up, he yelled "FUCK YOU" and stormed out. Moments later, our son ran into our bedroom and i heard "GOOD. GO WAKE YOUR MOM UP."
God. if anyone knows how to push a button....he does. I hopped out of bed and said "FUCK YOU", "I HATE YOU", and told our son his daddy was lazy and an ass.
HE slept on the couch that night. We havent slept in the same bed since. We really havent spoken much except for what we HAVE to talk about. i sent him an email and apologized...but he threatened me, saying there would be" large consequences" for telling HIS son that HE is lazy.
I'm unsure of what to say now, as the emotions rise and I feel like Dorothy in the tornado.....i would prefer the strange and unfamiliar Munchkin Land to this unstable whirlwind of drama, pain and instability.
He came home last night with pre-cooked ribs from work. He informed me that my favorite flowers (lilys) were out of season(lie), that no one was available for babysitting(lie), that he HAD made plans and reservations at The REFECTORY(lie).....lie, lie, lie. Everything that came out of his mouth was a LIE.
How do I know?? because when he went to go pick up boxed white wine for me his sister called. She informed me that her baby's daddy was working- that she could watch the baby for us, that her baby's daddy-despite hating her- got her LILYS and BATH AND BODY WORKS products.
I informed HIM of all that. He just lied his way through the discomfort. lie, lie, lie. Then he asked me if I DID want to do something since we suddenly had a babysitter and i said "no".
I poured a glass of wine and I drank. and I drank. and i ate those ribs. and I fed my son dinner in his room and I cried. and I cried. and I cried. Because how could HE be so heartless??
Let's call a spade a spade here...I consider myself to be a pretty smart girl and have a knack for reading between the lines. If HE had wanted to do something, he could have. If HE had wanted to make plans HE would have made them BEFORE he came home. But we're in a 4 day fight. And i get that. Truthfully, i wasnt even expecting him to come home. But he did and he LIED, LIED, LIED, instead of stating the obvious "I didnt want to do anything for you because I'm angry".
We could have talked. We could have fixed the last year's worth of resentment and anger. We could have started new. I cant think of a better Valentines Day gift then getting my Valentine back.
Instead, I played farmville, guzzled wine, smoked thousands of cigarettes and eventually left to visit with his sister....who further informed me of sooo many more lies.
I made two feeble attempts to wake him up, stating..."Hey, we need to talk about this. Dont you care anymore?" his response?? "Yes. but i need to sleep. I'm not talking to you right now."
Just another form of him choosing his job over me. Just another form of him saying "I really just dont give a shit anymore".
I dont understand. I dont understand so many things. He hates me because I dont have a job. He doesnt respect me because all i do is clean, cook and take care of the family. He told me he wants "help" but wont clarify what that means. He wont tell me what he's really thinking and feeling only stating "you're ungrateful. selfish. nothing i do is good enough for you". When i share my heart, he spits on it and martyrs himself on a cross made of long working hours and all the things he has bought me.
During the day, he stalks my facebook. Investigates every. single. person i talk to. He knows more about my friends than i do.
I have found myself feeling more and more like a prisoner.He has taken my car from me...and if he isnt using it then his friends are. I asked for the car today and he told me that his friend needs it for work today. He has forced me into a position of dependence, resents me for it, holds the things HE HAS TO DO FOR ME over my head and then runs around telling people how he is going to FORCE me to get a job......but how can i get a job when he is forever stealing my car?? I would LOVE a job. I would LOVE to gain some independence.
But he wants to hold these things over my head. He brings them up every time we fight. He wants to be in control. He talks passive aggressively of making me SUBMISSIVE....and being a good, christian girl, i WOULD submit...if he were a Godly, LOVING, KIND, GENTLE man.
I feel more and more that he doesnt actually want to be in this relationship so much as he doesnt want to lose face and ego and pride. We have a reputation. People think we are perfect for each other. what a lie. he doesnt even know me. HE still sees me as the suicidal, crazy, drunk girl i was three years ago. But since then, I've changed in huge ways. I have found a love and passion for life that is BURSTING despite the toxicity of our relationship. there is something inside me that is sooo good....and i could be soooo good to him but I'm holding this new me secret...it's so precious. it's like a flower and he will trample it. I cant risk vulnerability because he will hold me emotionally hostage.
He doesnt see the big picture. He doesnt see that all these little resentments are building into the destruction of us. IN his eyes, if we are not actively fighting then we are fine. In my eyes, we are drowning in SICKNESS.
When i wake up in the mornings, my pillow is wet from crying. crying i do in my dreams. crying i dont know i am doing. crying my subconscious is needing.
I had a dream that i was a black bird with white cuffs around my feet and i was in a cage with beautiful, young cockatiels. they were happy in their cage but i was sick in it...and in my attempts to get out I broke my wing. and so i hung from my cage, half in-half out...and waited to get help or waited to die. my feathers grew thick with black oil and my other bird friends became afraid of me as they became more beautiful and huddled in the opposite corner of the cage.
This fight is not about dirty diapers at 4am, or out of season lilys...this fight is about so much more. i can pinpoint two moments in time when i realized that this relationship was toxic. why cant he be man enough to be real with me??
Why is he so heartless??
Last night was awful. it was the first night in a long time that I felt truly hopeless. I got back from Alaska last Wednesday. We shared two beautiful, passionate nights before the we went right back to how we are. The baby woke up at 4 am, and me, being heavily jet lagged did not hear the baby crying. But HE did. and HE got up to see what was going on. Apparently, the baby wasnt feeling well because he had vomited and had dirtied his diaper. HE came woke me up. HE told me I needed to change the baby. When I told him that he was capable of cleaning our child up, he yelled "FUCK YOU" and stormed out. Moments later, our son ran into our bedroom and i heard "GOOD. GO WAKE YOUR MOM UP."
God. if anyone knows how to push a button....he does. I hopped out of bed and said "FUCK YOU", "I HATE YOU", and told our son his daddy was lazy and an ass.
HE slept on the couch that night. We havent slept in the same bed since. We really havent spoken much except for what we HAVE to talk about. i sent him an email and apologized...but he threatened me, saying there would be" large consequences" for telling HIS son that HE is lazy.
I'm unsure of what to say now, as the emotions rise and I feel like Dorothy in the tornado.....i would prefer the strange and unfamiliar Munchkin Land to this unstable whirlwind of drama, pain and instability.
He came home last night with pre-cooked ribs from work. He informed me that my favorite flowers (lilys) were out of season(lie), that no one was available for babysitting(lie), that he HAD made plans and reservations at The REFECTORY(lie).....lie, lie, lie. Everything that came out of his mouth was a LIE.
How do I know?? because when he went to go pick up boxed white wine for me his sister called. She informed me that her baby's daddy was working- that she could watch the baby for us, that her baby's daddy-despite hating her- got her LILYS and BATH AND BODY WORKS products.
I informed HIM of all that. He just lied his way through the discomfort. lie, lie, lie. Then he asked me if I DID want to do something since we suddenly had a babysitter and i said "no".
I poured a glass of wine and I drank. and I drank. and i ate those ribs. and I fed my son dinner in his room and I cried. and I cried. and I cried. Because how could HE be so heartless??
Let's call a spade a spade here...I consider myself to be a pretty smart girl and have a knack for reading between the lines. If HE had wanted to do something, he could have. If HE had wanted to make plans HE would have made them BEFORE he came home. But we're in a 4 day fight. And i get that. Truthfully, i wasnt even expecting him to come home. But he did and he LIED, LIED, LIED, instead of stating the obvious "I didnt want to do anything for you because I'm angry".
We could have talked. We could have fixed the last year's worth of resentment and anger. We could have started new. I cant think of a better Valentines Day gift then getting my Valentine back.
Instead, I played farmville, guzzled wine, smoked thousands of cigarettes and eventually left to visit with his sister....who further informed me of sooo many more lies.
I made two feeble attempts to wake him up, stating..."Hey, we need to talk about this. Dont you care anymore?" his response?? "Yes. but i need to sleep. I'm not talking to you right now."
Just another form of him choosing his job over me. Just another form of him saying "I really just dont give a shit anymore".
I dont understand. I dont understand so many things. He hates me because I dont have a job. He doesnt respect me because all i do is clean, cook and take care of the family. He told me he wants "help" but wont clarify what that means. He wont tell me what he's really thinking and feeling only stating "you're ungrateful. selfish. nothing i do is good enough for you". When i share my heart, he spits on it and martyrs himself on a cross made of long working hours and all the things he has bought me.
During the day, he stalks my facebook. Investigates every. single. person i talk to. He knows more about my friends than i do.
I have found myself feeling more and more like a prisoner.He has taken my car from me...and if he isnt using it then his friends are. I asked for the car today and he told me that his friend needs it for work today. He has forced me into a position of dependence, resents me for it, holds the things HE HAS TO DO FOR ME over my head and then runs around telling people how he is going to FORCE me to get a job......but how can i get a job when he is forever stealing my car?? I would LOVE a job. I would LOVE to gain some independence.
But he wants to hold these things over my head. He brings them up every time we fight. He wants to be in control. He talks passive aggressively of making me SUBMISSIVE....and being a good, christian girl, i WOULD submit...if he were a Godly, LOVING, KIND, GENTLE man.
I feel more and more that he doesnt actually want to be in this relationship so much as he doesnt want to lose face and ego and pride. We have a reputation. People think we are perfect for each other. what a lie. he doesnt even know me. HE still sees me as the suicidal, crazy, drunk girl i was three years ago. But since then, I've changed in huge ways. I have found a love and passion for life that is BURSTING despite the toxicity of our relationship. there is something inside me that is sooo good....and i could be soooo good to him but I'm holding this new me secret...it's so precious. it's like a flower and he will trample it. I cant risk vulnerability because he will hold me emotionally hostage.
He doesnt see the big picture. He doesnt see that all these little resentments are building into the destruction of us. IN his eyes, if we are not actively fighting then we are fine. In my eyes, we are drowning in SICKNESS.
When i wake up in the mornings, my pillow is wet from crying. crying i do in my dreams. crying i dont know i am doing. crying my subconscious is needing.
I had a dream that i was a black bird with white cuffs around my feet and i was in a cage with beautiful, young cockatiels. they were happy in their cage but i was sick in it...and in my attempts to get out I broke my wing. and so i hung from my cage, half in-half out...and waited to get help or waited to die. my feathers grew thick with black oil and my other bird friends became afraid of me as they became more beautiful and huddled in the opposite corner of the cage.
This fight is not about dirty diapers at 4am, or out of season lilys...this fight is about so much more. i can pinpoint two moments in time when i realized that this relationship was toxic. why cant he be man enough to be real with me??
Why is he so heartless??
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